The Rum Bottle
by lil-blonde-pirate
Summary: Captain Jack Sparrow has a rum bottle stuck on his index finger this is from his personal log book
1. ARG fleeeeeas

**Hayhay it's meeee!!!!! I know I know I'm supposed to be doing my parody and I swear I am, I'm just in a weird mood tonight and felt like writing something a little different. But I will update soon. So anyway this is just something crazy (even crazier than my parody) that makes no sense at all and will probably cause either total confusion or brain damage. Maybe both.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Jack Sparrow (sob) not even his hat (sob sob) so don't sue me. Also don't sue me for loss of brain cells, it wasn't intentional. Oh and a little note, I guessed when POTC is set, don't yell if I'm wrong.  
  
So here goes nothing....  
**  
The personal log of Captain Jack Sparrow  
  
13/7/1756  
Brilliant. There is a rum bottle stuck on my index finger. Everyone was laughing and it's not funny, it's stuck there and it won't come off. And seeing as I have absolutely nothing better to do than sit here and sulk about having a rum bottle stuck on my index finger I'm going to write down how it came to be stuck here, don't even know why I'm writing in this stupid thing anyway but I guess boredom and depression do terrible things.  
  
It was boiling hot (as usual) and I collapsed on the comfy old armchair in my cabin after spending the last twenty minutes tearing around the ship after Mr Cotton's parrot, attempting to retrieve my scarf. Yes I am aware it's the middle of summer and the Caribbean, I was using it to strangle that bloody parrot in the first place.  
  
So anyway. There I was sat on the armchair, looking at some maps and whatnot when in comes Gibbs to moan about it being bad luck to sail exactly north at noon. But that has absolutely no relevance whatsoever to this story and I really have no clue why I wrote that. What I do need to write is that he asked me if I wanted a bottle of rum. Little did I know that this rum bottle would become the demon rum bottle that I would become only too familiar with. Little did I know that this rum bottle would become permanently lodged on my index finger and proceed to suck me into the depths of despair.  
  
So I said yes. Curse me. But I said yes (of course I bloody did this s rum we're talking about) and he gave me the bottle of rum. I pulled off the cork and thirstily gulped down nearly the entire contents of the bottle in six and a half gulps. I was just about to finish it when I was interrupted by Mr Cotton's parrot flapping in my cabin window and landing on my head. Yelling and cursing I shoved it off only to see a flea, oh yes, a FLEA hop into my rum bottle.  
  
What did I do? I made the deadly move. I put my finger into the rum bottle I an attempt to get the flea out. I walked strait into the spider's web. I'm an idiot.  
  
So here I am with my index finger suck in a rum bottle. The flea's not even still here. It got out because there is a hole in the bottom. It hopped out along with the rest of the rum. Except the rum didn't hop. The rum leaked out. The hole explained why my lap was mysteriously wet and sticky. The flea is defiantly gone. I saw him hop out of the hole and away across the cabin. So I squished him. Hehe. Well, I tried to anyway. Except fleas don't squish. I know that now, asked Gibbs. He said you have to drown them. So it got away. Unlike my poor index finger which is permanently lodged into this rum bottle.  
  
I will be scarred for life. I am never going to be able to look at another rum bottle when I get my finger out of this one. (Oh my god who am I kidding? This is RUM) IF I get my finger out. What if I don't? What then? Will my finger be stuck here forever? Help! I can't go through life with a rum bottle on my finger!  
  
How will I fire my pistol??? I can't shoot left handed, I'll only end up missing again like the time I sprained my right hand and tried to shoot left handed but ended up shooting a hole in my cabin window. And I won't be able to sword fight either. I tried that left handed once too. I cut a rope holding one of the cannons and when fired it shot backwards and through the side of the ship into the ocean taking poor Mr Cotton with it.  
  
See, I have to get it off! I knew it was serious, people aren't still laughing now....well...actually...people aren't still here now. I probably scared them away. I'm reduced to writing in this bloody again. Life sucks. Nobody cares about me. Everybody thinks I'm crazy. The flea's still alive. And I have a rum bottle stuck on my index finger.  
  
People always said I drink so much rum it would be the death of me, but I never thought it would be like this! I thought I may just drink too much not get the bloody bottle stuck on my index finger! If I'm going to die I'd rather die in battle, this is a very un-pirate like way to go.  
  
Why did I write all this? Basically I have nothing else to do. It's about one in the morning, I'm bored, can't sleep and depressed because there is a rum bottle on my index finger which won't come off. I even tried cutting it off. I made my finger bleed. Nothing works. It's the devil's rum bottle. He sent it to torture me. And it's going to be stuck on my index finger for the rest of my life. Kill me.  
  
**WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE hehehahahohohuhu. So off you go. Flame me.**


	2. erm ducks:D:D

**You dudes I'm baaaaaaaaack! Woah it's been like...ages since i posted this. I wasn't actually going to continue it but i got kinda bored the other night and i thought...hey...why not...and I was off. Haha. Anyway. i was amazed by the response I got to the first chapter, you guys rock!**

** Idril Falastari ashlyns Gay-Pride102 UniCornVampire3z livelifelovelife snarker Ramdom is here witha little mad Soph Vipera-Berus rouge-greenleaf001 MadonSugar Alori Kesi Aldercy **

**xoxoxox Love you all! xoxoxox  
**

**Disclainer: Once again I remind you that i do NOT own Jack.I also remind you NOt to sue me for loss of braincells or temporay insanity. Enjoy.**

14/7/1763

Panic over. The rum bottle is no longer lodged onto my index finger. I really feel like quite a fool now. Utterly humiliated in fact would be the correct term I think.

I was sitting here in my cabin earlier this morning when Gibbs came knocking so I let him in. He asked why I wasn't out steering the ship, I explained that the obvious reason was that I had a rum bottle stuck on my index finger. Then what did he do? He laughed. Oh yes. Joshamee Gibbs laughed at Captain jack Sparrow. Then he said something along the lines of: "Ye still haven't figured out how to get it off yet?" And he laughed some more.

I was very angry I tell you. Nearly got me sword out on him for mocking me like that. I commanded he tell me how to get it off. And he explained that I needed to smash the bottle on the floor and it would break and come right off. Of course. I really do feel quite stupid for not thinking of that now. Must have had a bit heat stroke yesterday, I'm sure if I were feeling my normal self I would have realized straight away that was what I needed to do. So anyway Gibbs left chuckling to himself.

So of coursed I then smashed it on the floor and sure enough the rum bottle did dislodge itself as it cracked down the side and fell off my index finger. It was a relief I tell you. So I went out on deck to take my rightful place at the helm.

However, I was outraged once I got out there to find the whole crew attempting to hide sniggers and chuckles at me. I was the big joke. Captain Jack Sparrow was too stupid to realize how to get a rum bottle off his finger. Bet they had a right laugh about it. I barked at them to start working harder and threatened them with no shore leave if they didn't put their backs into it. That'll teach them to laugh at me.

However, I must say (and you, a battered old book are the only one to hear this – that say's a lot doesn't it?) that I really have suffered a great deal of embarrassment. But I suppose I'll get over it. I'll be back to normal in a few days and will have forgotten all about the whole fiasco. This is more than can be said about my poor index finger. It'll take quite a while for that to heal I'm sure. There are the cuts where I tried to cut the bottle off, and from where the bottle cracked. Not to mention it swelled up a bit, having been stuck in the bottle for a day.

But anyway. I suppose apart from a sore finger and bruised ego, I've come out none the worse for it. It certainly hasn't put me off rum which was one of my worries. And I have learnt a valuable lesson. Rum is for drinking and drinking only. No matter how many fleas hop into your rum bottle or whatever the reason may be, NEVER stick you finger in one.

Captain Jack Sparrow of The Black Pearl

**:D:D:D And there you have it. The completedstory of the Rum Bottle. Hope y'all enjoyed that little peice of my twisted mind. It's been nice knowing you. (goes off to dunk head in water bucket)**

**(...but I'll be back...with something else to ake you go crazy...muhahaha...)**


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